Married Life 101

These are a collection of funny moments that my wife and I share. Our marriage is filled with humor and I often see her as the Abbot to my Costello, the Martin to my Lewis.
I suppose it's the main reason our marriage is as strong as it is. We have learned that laughing at each other and ourselves is healthy and necessary for a good marriage.

Married Life 101: Episode 1

Everyone Does It.

T: "That's so disgusting."

M:"Everyone passes gas, even you, so don't be so offended."

T: "It's worse when you do it."

M: "Ok, if it offends you that much just think of it as my butt sneezing. Problem solved. Just say ‘God Bless You’ and go on with your day.”

Married life 101: Episode 2

Tawn: "I just saw the prettiest ring on the Kay jewelers website."

Me: "That's nice honey."

T: "It doesn't cost that much either. We should go tomorrow and see if they still have it. You know what they say, 'Every kiss begins with K'."

Me: "Yeah, and every no begins with N. What's your point?"

Married Life 101: Episode 3

Weight Loss

T - "You know, since you lost all the weight, you actually have a butt now."

M - "So you're saying I didn't have a butt before?"

T - "No, you didn't. If butt was expressed as a number yours would have been a negative number. You had negative butt. You "owed" butt."

M - "And now?"

T - "Without the love handles you can finally see it."

I can feel the love. It's like a Disney Movie up in this bitch.

Married life 101: Episode 4

Changes

Tawn - "So why did you want a Chromebook?"

Me - "Well, in all the years of computing I've done I've always had to rely on Microsoft and I thought it might be nice to get off the Windows teat for a change."

T - "Did you just use the word teat? What, are you a dairy farmer now?"

M - "Ok, let's just say that I'm tired of having to put Bill Gates' dick in my mouth every time I wanna go online. Is that better?"

T - "No, actually. It's even worse. Stick with teat.

Married life 101:

Episode 5

The “Honeydo”

Tawn comes storming into my office, a scowl on her face.

T: You need to go upstairs and fix the bedroom door. It won't shut right.

Me: Sorry, I can't do anything without a work order.

T: (Leans over and whispers something very naughty in my ear.)

Me: Well, ok but that doesn't cover the trip charge.

T: Smiles (sweetly)

Me: Do you want the extended warranty with that as well? That's extra.

T: (Walks away muttering)

Married Life 101: Episode 6

Soothing the savage breast

We spend a lot of time in my music room because it has a TV, my computer and a bathroom. While listening to music the other night I had started on YouTube the song "Holding Back The Years" by Simply Red came on. Hilarity ensued...

Me: "Ooooo, I LOVE this song."

Tawn: "Wait, what did you just say? You love this song?

Me: "Yes, but you can't tell anyone. I have an image to protect you know."

Tawn: "So, Mr. 'heavy metal, Rush guy loves Simply Red?"

Me: (sheepishly), "Yes, I do. That doesn't make me gay does it?"

Tawn: "No dear, it doesn't make you gay. It does make you a giant pussy though."

Me: "If you ever tell anyone, I'll strangle you in your sleep. Just so you know."

Tawn: "Fair enough."

Married life 101: Epiosode 7

The Superbowl

Tawn: "What the FUCK just happened?"

Me: "We lost honey. We gave up and we lost."

T: "That's bullshit! We had that game in the bag at the half!"

M: "We changed our game plan and it came back to bite us."

T: "There were shitty penalties called!"

M: "No, honey, we lost."

T: "I"ll bet Brady cheated again!"

M: "No honey, they fought harder and they won, we lost."

T: "I just wanna cry right now. This sucks!"

M: "Trust me, I know how you feel. This is my second time watching them lose a Superbowl.

T: "Then I hope they never go to the Superbowl again because I don't think I could take this again.

M: "You keep talking like that and I'll kick your ass to the curb."

T: "You wouldn't dare!"

M: "Wouldn't I?"

T: "Ok, I get your point."

Married Life 101

Episode 8

"The Good Old Days"

Since I've been having trouble getting Windows Media Player to work properly all the time, I've resorted to using either I Heart Radio or YouTube to provide me with the music I need to get through my day.

The past week or so, I'll start a Youtube list that has a great deal of 70's music, many of which are love songs that are actually about love and not the size of a man's johnson or a woman's ass. Tawnia has become addicted to the music and often asks me to turn on "that old stuff" because she likes it so much. Last night was a similar request with humorous overtones.

T: "Turn some of that music on you always play. The Pretty stuff."

M: "You mean the older stuff I listened to growing up?"

T: "Yeah, that stuff is great. People could actually sing back then. I like that."

M: "Back then we had these things called musicians who could sing and play their own instruments and write their own songs."

T: "I don't know about all that stuff but they all seem like they could really sing. Those songs are awesome."

M: "That was the 70's and early 80's honey. That was when music was good and autotune hadn't been invented yet. They had to know how to sing. It was sort of a requirement back then."

T: "Not much of a requirement these days is it?"

M: "No, not so much anymore."

Married Life 101: Episode 9

"Irrefutable Proof"

WARNING: This one is personal and solves a mystery that men have struggled with for hundreds of years. It was also my wife's idea that I should post it so bear that in mind as you read.

The other night I'm sitting at my desk tapping furiously away composing a new blog and Tawnia walks out of the bathroom and states quite matter of factly, "I wouldn't go in there for a little while."

I sat there momentarily in mute, dumb silence as I processed that remark. She looked at me, puzzled and asked, "What's wrong?"

M: "Did you just say that? Did you just give me irrefutable proof that women poop? Do you realize the importance of that statement? It's like finding out that ghosts and UFOs are real. This is a big moment, let me relish the massive implications of this."

T: "Oh stop it, it's not that big a deal. Everyone does."

M: "Well of course everyone does but it's just that most men go their entire relationship with a woman and never have real proof of it. Hell, for the first 3 years we were married I started thinking you never did. This is a big day for me."

T: "That's because unlike men, women don't broadcast it when it happens."

M: "I honestly thought there was some rule, some unspoken code that women were never allowed to provide proof to keep men all freaked out. This is huge."

T: "You can stop now. You are such a child sometimes."

M: "It's like the baby pigeon theory. You know they have to exist but you NEVER see one. EVER! This is sort of like having a UFO land in your backyard at the moment you have a camera in your hand. This is not some blurry Polaroid taken from a mile away or some shaky, indefinable video that just shows smeared lights and a vague shape. This is irrefutable, quantifiable proof. At this moment I can start believing that unicorns are real, it's that important."

T: "It's not that big a deal."

M: "Are you sure the other women in the club are going to be okay with this? They're not going to kick you out are they?"

She just looks at me and drops her head, shaking it slowly and walks away mumbling, "Dear God, I married a retard."

Married Life 101: Episode 10

"The Compliment"

I wandered out of my man cave the other day to find Tawnia at the sink doing the dishes.

Me: "That dress looks really good on you. You look amazing today."

T; "What do you want?"

M: "What, I can't pay my beautiful wife a compliment?"

T: "What do you want?"

M: "Well, could you fix me a sandwich when you're done?"

T: "I knew there was a catch."

M: "You always look great, honey. It's just that you're never more attractive than when you're doing the dishes or making a sandwich."

T: "You are such a pig sometimes."

M: "And when you're vacuuming, wow is that hot!"

T: "How can you be so smart and still be such an idiot?

M: "It's a gift, really. Face it , you love me."

T: "Yes, I do but don't ask me why right now because I don't think I can come up with a good answer."

Married Life 101: Episode 11

The 2nd Amendment

Tawn: "Can we get a membership to the NRA?"

Me: "Yeah, it doesn't cost that much really. Why do you ask?"

T: "I just thought it might be good to be a member. I'm thinking that I want you to buy me a handgun. You know, for self defense when I'm not at home and stuff."

M: "I've never loved you more than I do at this moment."

T: "Stop it. You're acting goofy again."

M: "Seriously, this raises your stock in my opinion. Chicks with guns are hot."

T: "Do you have to put it like that?"

M: "I don't have to but it's true. I'd prefer you walked around the house with a Glock strapped on you than wear some stupid outfit from Victoria's Secret."

T: "You're serious aren't you?"

M: "Damn straight I am. That shit would be hot!"

T: "You know, I worry about you some days. I really do."

Married Life 101: Episode 12

"Revelation"

I have been tasked to learn "At Last" by Etta James. I have the sheet music for it somewhere buried in one of the many notebooks filled with music downloaded from my favorite site. I have about 10 3-ring binders filled with music so finding it is proving more difficult than I first expected.

Tawn volunteered to help and she was sitting on the floor leafing through each book looking for it.

"You have to get all this organized better. You need to come up with some sort of system to make it easier to find your music.

Me:"I tried that but it just got a little overwhelming I had so much."

T:"It's a good thing they don't cost that much or I'd probably be pissed because you have so many.

M:"They're only about 2 bucks each song so it's not really that bad.

A few minutes pass and she's mumbling to herself as she continues to leaf through each book.

T:"Geez, do you think you have enough Queen songs downloaded?"

M:" I'm going to forget you said that because it's just a dumb question."

T:"Why is it a dumb question?"

M:"Because you can NEVER have too much Queen sheet music. That's like saying I'm using too much air to breathe or drinking too much water. It's just not possible."

T:"You have problems, you know that right?"

M:"Yeah, like you didn't know that when you married me."

Married Life 101:Episode 13

"Celebrating My Heritage"

I was in my office the other night and Tawnia was sitting at my desk doing whatever it is she does on the computer. She looks over at me and says, "Do you know your​ zipper is unzipped?"

I looked down to see she was correct and quickly zipped it up with a flourish, "Oops!", I said.

T:" Was it like that when we went to the store earlier?"

M":Probably, I went to the bathroom right before we left. I must have forgotten."

T:"So, you walked around the store for almost an hour with it like that. That's terrible. People probably thought you were some kind of pervert."

M:" It's ok. I was celebrating Italian Pride day. That's what we do. Italian guys just drop their zippers to celebrate our heritage."

T:"That's awful. Only you would think of that."

M:"Hey, it's not like I walked around with my wang hanging out. That's next month. That should be fun."

T:"You are such a retard. And don't blame the stroke, you were this stupid long before that."

M:"It's one of my more endearing qualities. You love me."

Married Life 101: Episode 14

Forgetting

Preface

We are all human and prone to make mistakes and I am certainly not immune to that fact. Not even my sainted wife is above the occasional mistake. Despite what minor faults she may possess, she is the most amazing woman I have ever known. Having said that, fatigue and frustration can lead to mistakes. After a long couple of days driving, her attention to detail had apparently lapsed.

While in the hotel, I asked her where the wet wipes were. She was distracted and tired and simply pointed to the suitcase saying exasperatedly,

"It's in the top in the zipper. "

I walked over and looked down and did not see to where she was referring. I stood there for a moment, bewildered and unable to find it. Partly due to my own fatigue and also to the dimness of the room. I have grown accustomed to the increased light levels in our house and I take for granted that not all places I visit will be the same.

"I can't find it, are you sure you packed it?"

Tired and at her wits end, she turned and snapped, "It's right on the top. What, are you bli...?"

The word stopped abruptly and she dropped her head in total mortification.

Angry, I shot back, "Blind? Actually, yes, I am. Remember?"

It can happen to the best of us and to be honest, this is not the first time it's happened to us and probably will not be the last. She apologized and I assured her that everyone says that at least a hundred times in their lives and never for a moment gives it a second thought.

We're all human. We all make mistakes.

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 1.
I don't get "offended" anymore. Being "offended" gives people power over you. I get pissed off but that shit comes and goes. I can deal with that. Being pissed off is a me thing. I can choose to ignore shit that pisses me off. Being "offended" requires interaction by the person responsible for the "offense" to apologize or at least acknowledge that they have been offensive in some way in order to add needed closure. Fuck that. No one is responsible for my happiness and no one is responsible for my misery either. I simply choose to be happy and not let douchebags define my state of mind.

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach - Lesson 2
Pick the hill you are willing to die on and make your stand.
Put simply, it means do not expend emotional or physical energy, in excess amounts, on anything unless you are willing to commit to it with all your heart, soul and passion. Not everything is a battle so choose your battles carefully.

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 3
"The travails of life are but the purifying fire by which the precious metal of our character is revealed."

Lesson 4
Treat your goals in life like you would approach eating a steak.
You don't shove the whole thing in your mouth at once. Cut it into small pieces, trim away the fat and keep at it. One bite at a time is what it takes to achieve your goals.
This is how I used to help my guitar students achieve what they wanted with lessons whether it was learning a specific song or a lesson exercise.
Cut it into small pieces and keep going until it's done.
One of my 10 Commandments of lessons was, "Patience, persistence and perseverance in all things."
It's important in life to know when the big picture isn't the best view.

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 5
"Don't just take the stage, own it."
Put simply it means put everything you have into everything you do. You are asked to "perform" at work so make it count. The same is true for the rest of your life as well. That philosophy works for pretty much everything you do whether it's parenting, hobbies or being a friend to someone.
When I perform on stage, my motto is "Don't leave the stage with anything left in your arsenal. If you walk away with anything left then you haven't done your job the best you can."
We are all of us performers on the stage in this play called life. Put in your best performance as often as you can.

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 6
"Failure is temporary. Surrender is permanent.
Failure teaches us how to succeed while surrender teaches us how to lose."

Mark Perdicho: Life coach
Lesson 7
Expecting something better is the first step to getting something better.

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 8
"Never give an asshole the satisfaction of being right about what you can't do. On the other hand, always give an asshole the chance to see you succeed. You get to succeed and they get to be pissed off about seeing it. Win-win."

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 9
"One can never face a tougher adversary than one's own potential."
Your success in life is limited only by your willingness to achieve it. The only competition you truly face is with yourself and your own desire to be better than you were yesterday.

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 10
Failure is the beginning of success, not the end of it.
You will always learn more from your failures than your successes. Failure will teach you new methods, new approaches and new resources to use to attain success.



Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 11 - Time
"Life is a one way street. You may turn left or turn right but you can never turn back. You may pause to view the scenery but you are always moving forward in the dimension of time. You are always being propelled against your will to the next event, the next moment or the next trial. Time is the invisible component of life that we take for granted in both good and bad times. Never allow yourself to commit the sin of forgetting that time is always bringing you to another moment because when you add those moments up, they are the totality of your life."

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 12
"Pride is a self imposed blindness. It shields us from the truth about ourselves and those around us.
So often in life, the most injurious lies are the ones we tell ourselves."

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 13
"The true measure of a man is in doing right, not being right."

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 14
Don't be a douchebag. No one likes a douchebag. Not even other douchebags.

Mark Perdicho: Life Coach
Lesson 15
Determination is the soil in which hope takes root. Attitude is the fertilizer that can either cause explosive growth or bring a speedy death to that hope. Feed it well.

The First Step...

The First Step…

There was no denying it any longer. What had started with recreational use had blossomed into a monster I could no longer control. My addiction was in full swing and I had to do something concrete before it finally swallowed me whole and destroyed me. My sense of perspective had disappeared and I felt unable to separate the fantasy of what I was doing from the reality and the reality was it was slowly turning my mind to useless mush with each and every passing day. For every positive effect of my addition there seemed to be 10 more truly deleterious effects. Effects so bad that the mental addiction had finally outstripped the physical addiction. I simply couldn’t stop no matter how I tried such was the depth of the physical side effects.

Addiction is so insidious as to first enslave the body and by natural consequence enslave the mind in short order. Physical addiction, while not easy to overcome by any stretch of the imagination is a mere pittance to the mental addiction that can follow. The human body, being the amazing machine it truly is, can shuttle poisons from the body in a relatively short time, usually within 3 days to a week. In that time, the body filters and removes the physical poisons that it has become accustomed to but it may take even longer for the body to learn that they will not be coming back.

The mental aspect of addiction however, is a much different animal requiring weeks or months and in some cases even years to overcome. It’s often said, “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.” As a current smoker and former drug user I can attest to the accuracy of that statement. My drug addiction is far behind me now but when I find myself in the presence of my old favorite I still feel the wistful longing of what it used to do to me. I also remember what caused me to finally some to grips with the fact that I had a serious problem with it. Let’s take a trip down memory lane to properly set the stage for the inevitable conclusion.

Barstow, California 1989

As the paramedics worked on me, explaining that I was suffering what they called a “drug induced stroke”, the smoke began to clear and I could at last see what I had become. After a particularly nasty bender of snorting crystal meth for a period of nearly 12 days, my brain had finally had enough of both the drug and the fact that I had nearly starved myself of the most basic essentials needed to sustain life, food, water and sleep. My body began to physically seize up and shut down. Feeling faint and weak, I sat down on my favorite chair and slowly, painfully, the muscles in my body began to lock up and tense of their own volition. I could neither move nor speak as I sat there terrified at the changes I was going through. My hands slowly turned into claws and my arms and legs began to stiffen as if being pulled outward on some horrible, invisible rack. It truly was torture in that the muscles began to pull so tightly that I felt physical pain from the effects of it.

It was pure agony and had it not been for my roommates recognizing what I was going through I might have sat there all night envisioning my eventual death at the hands of my own weakness and frailty.

Through clenched teeth because of a jaw that would not respond to my commands to open and speak, I hissed, “Call...an...ambulance.”

Although the rest is still something of a blur, I vaguely remember two male paramedics asking me questions and connecting probes to my body. Despite my claims of not doing any drugs at all, why, that would be bad after all, they knew what they were seeing and my denials fell on deaf ears as they did their work.

To this day I am still not sure what, if anything, they actually did to bring me out of the state I was in. My roommates later claimed that the EMT’s merely monitored me for any serious distress and let the episode run it’s course. I remember the mental haze clearing enough to hear one of them asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital to be checked out further. With the muscles in my jaw finally beginning to slack just a little I weakly croaked, “No.”

Even in my weakened, drug addled state, I knew that going to the hospital meant more trouble than I was willing to accept at that moment. My wife, who was out of town just then, would definitely find out and my boss might find out through the grapevine. It was too risky to even entertain the thought of being hospitalized for what would eventually be called, true or not, a drug overdose. Besides, I couldn’t leave the house just then anyway. My nearly 2 year old son was asleep in his crib at the time and had been so during the entire episode.

After the truth I’ve just imparted I won’t lie and say my parental responsibility was the sole factor in my decision to skip a trip to an emergency room. It was fear. Naked, unadulterated fear of being labeled a drug addict prevented me from seeking the medical attention that could have, at minimum, helped me understand what I had just been through and at best, given me a path to recover from it.

The days and weeks that followed were both painful and difficult to deal with considering I had a son to take care of and  job to be accountable to. The immediate aftermath left me with involuntary muscle spasms and a pronounced stutter. In fact, for the first week or so, I was unable to speak clearly because the stutter still gripped me so badly at times that I would simply stop speaking and write out what I wanted to say. As time passed and my body began to rid itself of the poison I had been pushing into it for so long the physical side effects began to wane. The muscle spasms finally stopped but the stutter remained though to a much lesser degree than when it first manifested. Even now, nearly 30 years later, I will still catch on a syllable or word and the stutter will return. I’ve developed enough mental focus over the years to overcome it most of the time but it still remains dormant as a reminder to me of the dangers of my obsessive/compulsive personality.

The overwhelming fear I spoke of is what ultimately helped me overcome that addiction. I was frankly terrified when I remembered what had happened to me. It was, at the time, the most physically traumatic event of my entire life and I had no desire to ever experience it again. Fear can be a powerful motivator when used in the proper context. It can also destroy you if not controlled effectively.

All that happened in 1989 and since then I have not touched that drug even once so strong is the fear of it. In truth, for the first year afterward my overdose I did nothing at all. I didn’t even dare to have a drink after learning what my OCD nature could potentially lead me to. I smoked my first joint after about 5 years and continued on and off until very recently as we will learn shortly.

It did take radical changes to my life to truly beat the thing completely. I left behind the friends I had used with and began to limit the ways in which I might be exposed to it. I was, at the time, a professional musician so limiting my exposure to both the drug and the people who seemed to always have it on hand forced me to find like minded people who had no desire to be high as often as they could. As a musician, drugs are an occupational hazard that require discipline and focus to avoid successfully. Cutting the people and the drug from my life allowed me to gain the necessary mental strength that was imperative to ultimately gaining the control over my life that had slipped away so easily before. It took many years to finally be around people who used and have the willpower to walk away from the invitations to join the “fun” as they called it. I knew the truth of that “fun” and what it’s eventual cost would be to me. I did not preach to those who used, I simply walked away firm in my mind that the only person I could truly save was myself. It was enough to resist for my own sanity and health. It took herculean effort now and then to walk away unscathed. It was all I could do to save myself let alone save anyone else. I don’t feel particularly selfish for not reaching out to others who might have come to the same ends that I did. I am responsible for myself only. To be completely honest I told only a very few, very select number of people about my overdose and only then in the most comfortable terms possible to assuage my own guilt about my failures with substance abuse.

This is the very first time I have spoken of it in these terms. Accepting that I was, and probably still am, a drug addict with self destructive tendencies is the healthiest and smartest thing I have ever done.

I know addiction. Intimately, personally. Like an old lover whose embrace is remembered but not wished for again. After about ten years I was at last able to say that I had beat it for good and I mentally had a conversation with the drug that turned out to be the most cathartic  part of the whole experience. It went something like this.

“Look, crank, this just isn’t working out anymore. We have to stop seeing each other because we’re just not good for each other. I need to be on my own for a while and work on me and I can’t have you there anymore. It’s not you really, it’s me and no...we can’t still be friends afterwards.”

There are the rare instances when we still manage to cross each other’s paths but they are few and far between and I am much stronger than I was before. I see that drug now as a former lover who nearly killed me and I have absolutely no desire to ever feel that cold, deadly embrace again.

I relate all that in preparation for the second part of this sordid little tale. This first part was simply my way of setting up what is to come. I felt it was necessary to show that I understand addiction perhaps better than some and to a degree that most will hopefully never experience in their lifetimes.

You see, my overdose was my first step, albeit a very painful one, to recovery. In the intervening years after my overdose, I learned a great deal about addiction and recovery both from a personal level and from research and exploration into the subject. I learned that my OCD nature is merely the table upon which my addiction was set. I learned slowly over time that my nature was such that I could lose perspective easily and lose control even more easily and I learned ways to combat it effectively and safely. I learned to use that nature to my advantage at work and in other aspects of my life that could prove useful and beneficial. When I unleashed that nature towards music, for instance, it served as the catalyst for an explosive burst of both personal growth as a musician and a talent for creativity that I did not even know I possessed until I turned what was a character flaw on some levels into an engine for self improvement. There were costs to be paid for that as well but in comparison to my overdose, they seemed an acceptable loss. I was not perfect in any respect but I was better than I had been. As it turned out, I still had a long way to go but this particular misery had ended and I had escaped with my life and mind still intact.

But enough of the past. Let’s turn the clock forward to explore how I let that nature once again rear it’s ugly head and the cost it is now exacting on my modern, “drug free” life.

I often remind myself, in the context of my relationships with other people, that humans are flawed, imperfect beings who are ultimately slaves to their baser desires even when they are unaware of it. I try to see myself in everyone to help me understand that there is a potential drug addict in all of us. Human weakness and frailty knows no bounds and that fact helps me process my own disappointments with people. I am them and they are me. We are all the same underneath it all and it is this that has given me a much happier outlook on life in my later years.

That is until very recently. Once again, recreational use has led to an addiction that has changed me in unexpected and quite unwelcome ways.