Choices

This is the column I submitted for this weeks publication. Since it is apparent that the election has left me in search of an audience I thought I would just post it here instead. It seemed such a pity to leave it unread. It took me minutes to write after all.

I have come to the conclusion that my wife is pathologically incapable of making a decision when there are more than two options available. Now, before I'm accused of painting with a chauvinist brush let me say that it is not because she is a female. It is merely one of her many, yet adorable, personality quirks. I have seen the fear in her eyes when she is presented with a lengthy menu at a restaurant. I have witnessed her mute confusion as she desperately tries to make a choice for dinner. More often than not she simply looks at me, completely exasperated, and says, "You order for me. You know what I like." While that statement is true to a certain extent, “what she likes” can be as fleeting and as fickle as the weather in Georgia. I have learned to accept this particular frailty with as much humor as I can. We all know someone who, when confronted by a cornucopia of choices, simply freezes up as their eyes glaze over and they stare in abject terror at a selection of items completely unable to once and for all make a darn choice! It is in these times that I am almost grateful for the fact that I am borderline OCD and able to categorize and discriminate accordingly to make an informed decision about which spatula is “just right” for me. My wife, on the other hand, will agonize about whether it should be plastic or metal or a combination of the two. To be fair, I must also make it clear that I have many of my own personality quirks that make our married life equal parts frustrating, interesting, and hysterically funny. I say that I am borderline OCD but in truth I think I crossed the border years ago. My wife and I are a true “odd couple” in that I am a neat freak and she is, well, a slob. We've accepted this about each other and found ways to make it work in our favor. I suppose that my OCD tendencies are the main reason I am able to differentiate between options and make a choice quickly. I have learned through the years to limit the number of choices with which she is faced by weeding out the obviously incorrect or potentially disastrous ones. My wife suffers from what is commonly called “decideophobia”,an accurate albeit unimaginative name, that manifests itself in many different ways. She suffers from perhaps the most benign version but in truth many people can be afflicted with a more severe version that literally leaves them paralyzed with fear and unable to think clearly. Another of her little “quirks” is that she is also frugal to a fault and when all else fails she falls back on cost as her ultimate decision point. Still though, she will occasionally find herself at a complete loss and I will step in and ease her suffering. The truly humorous part is that big or important decisions are easy for her. It's only the small and seemingly insignificant ones that cause her the most trouble. There is no other question I can ask her that strikes fear more than, “What's for dinner?” Since we share cooking duties equally, the nights I choose to cook are much simpler for her but still require a bit of wrangling on my part to make sure I have chosen a meal she will at least be in the mood to eat. On those nights when I do not feel like cooking though and the choice is up to her, she simply looks at me with a blank stare as she thinks it through. About half the time she will simply ask me, “What do you feel like eating?” It is in these moments that I use my Jedi husband powers and say sweetly, “You haven't made that awesome Mexican chicken casserole in long time. That sounds good.” Ok, I'm well aware of how bad that sounds but it is a dynamic of our relationship that we have become comfortable with, I mean, it's not like I'm waving my hand in her face while saying, “These are not the pork chops you're looking for.” And I don't mean to imply that she is weak minded either because nothing could be further from the truth. She is a formidable force when her mind is made up. She just needs a little help occasionally to get there. That is where I come in. While we may not have what could be called traditional roles, it works for us. She too has come to embrace and find great humor in my own little quirks but that is another story for another day.

Speaking of diabetes...

This blog will serve a secondary purpose in addition to chronicling my journey since my stroke. You see, at the time I was in the hospital for the stroke it was discovered that I was also suffering from type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure and hypertension. The combination of these issues was given as the most likely cause for my stroke but it was impossible to point to a single factor to blame for it. The most severe and immediate problem that had to be dealt with was my diabetes. I met with my doctor and a diabetic educator who worked in tandem to help me both understand the disease and work to minimize of not remove it from my life. Over the course of the intervening months I worked hard to get my diet under control and add exercise to my daily regimen and both have had amazing results in making my diabetes something that I control now instead of it controlling me. I have several friends who also suffer from type 2 diabetes and they have asked me for specific information on how I managed to get mine under control to the degree I have.
The path I put myself on as spelled out by my doctor and diabetic educator(DE) have lowered both my daily blood glucose(BG) readings and my overall A1C reading and brought it under control. My first A1C was 8.8 which is considered borderline for needing daily insulin injections. My next reading, 3 months later, was 6.4, a considerable drop in such a short time. I am currently awaiting the results of my latest test but I anticipate it will fall in the normal range around 5.5 or possibly lower.
This blog will also outline the steps I took to my diabetes under control and possibly offer ideas for anyone else who currently suffers from the same. I will also preach the importance of seeing a doctor for testing and counseling on how to deal with it if you are diagnosed. When in doubt, see a doctor and follow his guidelines for treatment.

Introduction

Hello and welcome to yet another chronicle by yet another unknown voice among millions. The only true difference that may separate me from the masses is that I am in fact a writer having been published before. While it was actually a short stint for a local newspaper my wife assures me that it still counts. Her exact words were, "Published is published my dear and that's what you always wanted, right?"
She is absolutely right and while I consider writing my central passion the goal of being published seemed a pipe dream until it actually happened.
This blog isn't about my quest for a Pulitzer prize for writing though. This blog is about a series of unfortunate events to use a familiar phrase.
Back in 2016 I suffered a stroke that forever changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. On the advice of a couple of close friends I began writing about my experiences concerning my recovery and subsequent path back to health and what could very loosely be called "normalcy".
The stroke hit me in my visual cortex, nearly blinding me but the physical effects, while minimal came with their own difficulties. In short, I was lucky to have come through it relatively unscathed in the larger picture. Now, nearly 7 months later, all that remains is my somewhat reduced visual acuity. The stroke effectively turned the brightness control on my vision down by about half and nearly destroyed my peripheral vision. The months since the stroke have been a focus on the painstakingly slow recovery of my vision. You see, I lost the ability to drive because as odd as it may seem, without peripheral vision, the state considers you unsafe on their roads. As a result I wait patiently for my brain to heal the damaged area or rewire around the damaged portion. I undergo regular and routine vision tests to gauge the amount of healing and what damage still remains.
For all the physical effects of the stroke there were also emotional and mental effects that have been just as challenging to deal with. I was emotionally unprepared for the feeling of being violated, changed that I was left with. I was "different" than before and could not deal with it at first. I was angry, confused, sad and most of all afraid. The fear was so overwhelming at first that I began to suffer from anxiety attacks of the most ferocious and debilitating kind that I found myself paralyzed in both social and home situations. Put bluntly, I was waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. I spent weeks waiting for the other shoe to drop and finally take the rest of me away. It's astounding what the primitive fear instinct can do to an otherwise rational, intelligent man. It can transform an otherwise happy, well adjusted person into a mass of anxiety always on the edge of panic. The emotional healing is at least as slow as my vision but with my vision I can actually sense the improvement day by day. Not so with the emotional healing. That seems stunted some days and other days it seems I am sliding backwards when I feel the fear grip me. This fear is something I've never experienced before and it comes on with such suddenness and ferocity that I am forced to make sure that I have a xanax close by to help push it back to a manageable level.
Fear has been my constant companion for the last 7 months. I spent most of my adult life a confident, self assured person and in the blink of an eye I was reduced to a nearly paralyzed mass of insecurity. It was if my self identity had been raped and left bleeding by the side of the road. I had been changed against my will and left a broken man. The things that I had clung to that had helped define my sense of self had been taken away from me and all that was left was this other person who couldn't seem to handle his emotions and didn't see all that well.
I still struggle daily with the fear although it is somewhat easier to deal with these days. Every day that goes by takes me one step further away from the life altering event that turned me into this other person.
I'm learning to incorporate this new person into who I am and slowly learning to adapt to his fears and his emotional chaos.
Small steps. Day by day.